Updated: Sep 21, 2022
Below is a letter I wrote back in 2015. Its dejected, pitiful and makes me cringe. My heart aches for that version of myself. It is heartbreaking to know that so many parents, regardless of their race, gender, pronouns, feel this way and are subjected to this kind of "love".
As much as I want to be authentic and honest, I have redacted names from the below letter.
I wish I could turn back time and talk some sense into you. To lift you up and tell you that you are enough and you do not deserve this. I would hug you and give you a preview of your current, beautiful life and how lucky you will be one day.
I would hold your hands in mine and promise you that if you just hold on, you will meet the most compassionate, amiable, altruistic and attentive man who will let you explore (hence my writing) yourself while providing a safe space to heal your past and explore your future together.
Hugging you tightly I would reassure you that he will materialize when you have discovered who you want to be and only then will he take shape in your life. He is end game, girl, and he must be strategically placed in your life. Not too early though, because you need to learn how to let someone of his vastness love you.
There will be multiple stepping stones you must cross, each one with their own set of lessons, promises and disguises camouflaged as a healthy relationship. Over time their veil will slowly fall, presenting you with an unrecognizable silhouette.
Keep going. Just a few more shapeshifters to expose before you meet him. Trust me, you are strong enough and you will get there.
"I feel as though I have never fully been the one for you. I think you did love me but that it wasn’t the same love that you felt for someone else. I always have and always will feel as though you choose her no matter what. You chose her repeatedly, constant lying and hiding messages. When we broke up last time, I asked you to prove to me you wanted to be with me, but instead you were seeing her. I know you want her and always will and I need to stop trying to control that.
I took you back because I couldn’t face that truth. I took you back because I wanted a family. You only wanted to be with me because you wanted [name redacted] to be happy, which I get, but now here we are again. I should have never gotten back together with you and pushed you into getting married when that wasn’t what you wanted, but you did it anyways to have a picture-perfect family, so did I. I have never been good enough for your family, never good enough for your friends, and never good enough for you. That’s a lot for one person to carry around for the past 6 years. I thought getting married would have solved all our problems, that we would be happy but that did not turn out. I am the fool, and I am sorry for pushing you into being with me when it clearly wasn’t what you wanted.
We have become enemies instead of partners. You do not appreciate all that I do, maybe because you just don’t care. The only way I can get you to make dinner or do laundry or make lunches is by getting mad at you and threatening to leave. The other night when you came home and made dinner and did the laundry is how I feel every night. You exploded on me because I didn’t put the laundry away that you had done. Now you know how I feel. Every single day I feel like that. Unappreciated. I cook, I make lunches, I do the laundry in hopes you could put it away, I get [name redacted] ready for daycare in the morning, I make his breakfast, and I put him to bed.
All you do is get up, go to work, come home and sit on the couch on your phone, then go to [name redacted] house (if that’s where you're going) to smoke weed. You never want to be with us, that’s your choice. You have pushed us away. You smoke weed almost every day, but call me an alcoholic because I enjoy drinking on the weekend or maybe a glass or two on the weekdays once [name redacted] is settled in bed? You’re a hypocrite. You call me awful names day after day. After I'm done cooking and doing laundry, I then get called a dumb cunt (not just one time, there has now been many times) or a stupid bitch.
You punch holes in walls in front of your kid who you then traumatize. You push me up against walls and leave bruises on my arms (I have pictures so done even call me a pussy) get mad at me over a phone charger then throw it in my direction. I no longer feel safe around you. If we are in a fight, I feel uneasy turning my back to you. You have become violent and physically and mentally abusive. I am not saying I am a saint but I sure as hell have never called you names first. You always start the fight by name calling and then I come full force. I get that we aren't perfect but it's to the point where I am now scared of you, scared of being honest with you, scared of telling you anything without you freaking out.
I do not go out during the week, but I go out on the weekend, and you call me an alcoholic, yet you can go out every night to [name redacted] and I don’t bat an eye. I pick up your socks that you throw on the floor every night when you get home stoned. You eat full boxes of crackers or granola bars that are supposed to be for [name redacted] as we are so broke that we cannot even afford shit. You put yourself first instead of us, you may not think that you do, but you do.
You quite your job which was supporting our family with great money because you had a hissy fit. Like I mentioned above, your explosive and angry. That job was holding your family together, we had money to afford things and you put yourself first and quit. A real man, husband, and father would have sucked it up because his family needed food on the table. You tell me that I am ungrateful because you supported me while in Alberta, but did you ever consider the fact that I was not qualified for half of the job postings out there?
I worked at Shell and that was horrible, I was constantly harassed by the men there and I hated it. I worked at that pipe place and that broke me down. I had never done anything like that before and I was not strong enough, hence why I got laid off. I couldn’t find a job anywhere in Bruderheim because it was all manual labor jobs that I was not strong enough to do.
We had no cars, licenses etc., (again because of you, I told you to not drive them without a license and what did you do? got them both impounded) I tried my hardest to work out there, but it was fucking hard for me with no experience whatsoever. The second I got pregnant you changed.
I still remember that night [name redacted] had a party, and I went home because I was pregnant with [name redacted] and I hoped you would come be with me but instead you never even came home that night. Left me all alone and that wasn’t the first time. You continued to drink a lot and go out every night. You calmed down once [name redacted] was born, but you were no help at all. I slept in a separate room for a year because you needed sleep.
I was up every hour of the night with [name redacted] but it didn’t matter because I didn’t work. What I did was harder than anything you have and ever will do. You where the one who was ungrateful. I fell into a depression because I felt alone and once again, unappreciated. You don’t know how it feels to be depressed, especially when all you want is to be happy with your family. You never tried to help me, you never tried to understand.
You never cared. You will never fully understand all that I have done for you and our family. I am not saying that everything is your fault, I have been angry and mean as well, but at least I have always put you and [name redacted] first. I know you told [keeping this name private] that you still love her, I know that at your bachelor party people were doing drugs, I know that you constantly lie to me, but I would keep turning a blind eye to have you in my life with me because I love you so much.
But it's come to the point where I have no more love to give. I'm exhausted from all of it. I need clarity. I need someone to put me first for a change, someone who loves me and cares about me. I have tried to be strong this whole time and keep everything together, but I no longer want that upon me.
Its breaking me. I am unable to be a great happy mother. I wanted [name redacted] to have his parents together in a loving environment, but it is going to do him more harm than good. All he sees is us yelling at each other. That’s not healthy for him. I know it's going to be hard, but we must do this. It's never going to get better.
You need someone who can take care of you. I want you to be happy with whomever you end up with. I will always love you and I just want the best for you. I want us to work as partners even though we are not together. We are on [name redacted] side now.
I will not ask for child support; however, I will ask that you help me out with diapers, wipes, expenses for birthdays, sports, etc. I also don’t want to rob you of everything you have. We can split up [name redacted] toys and stuff when that time comes. I would like to take the couches, my dresser, and the artwork that I brought from my mom's.
I will accept anyone you will fall in love with as long as they are great to you and even better to [name redacted]. When that time comes that you meet someone who makes you happy, I ask of you to not introduce [name redacted] to her until you are serious. And I will do the same. I respect you and I will respect anyone you bring into your life. So, I guess that’s all I wanted to say, for now.
I hope this helps you understand."
Again, I find myself asking "If this version of my life never happened, would I still have what I have today?"
Do we all have to be put through the ringer to win the prize of a "exquisite" life? What I mean by this is, must we all drag our way through the trenches, the depression, abuse, and shitty situations in order to arrive at our final destination?
I guess that is why we call them life lessons but how many lessons can one person take before they fucking dissolve? This is why so many of us self sooth with sex, booze, shopping, drugs or whatever gives you that little hit of dopamine.