The tears started flowing while creating this.
I was a mom, wife and then an ex wife all before the age of 23. I strived to create the life I thought I was supposed to have, as a woman, and allowed my well-being and my self worth to be nonexistent in order to fall into the society norm of womanhood.
Somewhere throughout my childhood and adolescents I was programed to believe that my worth was solely based on being a good mother and a supportive wife to my husband and nothing else mattered.
My dreams, aspersions and goals didn't hold value and therefore they didn't stand a chance of being fulfilled or explored.
After my divorce I truly believed I failed as a woman.
I was a single mom with nothing but my beautiful son and a bag of clothes. My ex stayed in our home while Logan and I slept on a friend's couch for a while. I was on welfare because I was a stay at home and couldn't get a job because I was a stay at home mom.
I went back, allowed my self worth to become completely transparent. I put a smile on my face and stepped back into the role of wife for the sake of my child.
I knew I needed to be able to provide for Logan on my own so I went back to school, graduated, got a job and moved out.
It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. We went to food banks because after rent and bills and daycare I had nothing left.
I worked harder to give Logan everything he needed. I worked harder to give myself everything I needed.
I took time, and a lot of it, to work through my shit and become who I want to be without anyone's expectations or judgment.
I struggled with and used alcohol to numb my pain until I asked for help and thank God I did. I hated my body and allowed men to continuously disrespect it. I was called fat, a pig, a b!@#$, c!@# and more by men who supposedly loved me and those words were burned into me and shaped how I saw myself.
I went to counseling, I practiced self love and I took time to love and appreciate my body for everything that it is.
Then one day I met him. It was hard at first because I was not used to being loved properly. I tried to push him away because the other shoe had to drop eventually.
It never dropped.