I find myself consumed in a revolving pattern of false happiness. With each end to each pattern, I feel myself awoken and looking from the outside inwards. I have evolved from that chapter of my life where, while in it, I was ignoring my needs, my values and my voice. Yet some of these repeating life chapters have lasted years and I told myself, and made myself believe, that I was happy, in order to fill some void deep inside myself and to please whomever I was with at the time.
My first real relationship was during high school. I was in grade 9 and he was in grade 12. I don’t remember how we met or what brought us together because we had none of the same friends and never crossed each other's paths. He had picked me for some reason and I was beyond excited to be wanted by a grade 12 guy.
I will start by saying that he was not the best choice as a first boyfriend. We didn't go on dates or have adorable Facebook pictures together. The only time I was treated properly was when he did something he shouldn't have.
If he would cheat on me (which happened more than I would like to admit), I would then get a romantic picnic dinner on the beach or a bouquet of flowers and go see a mediocre movie, together, at the theater.
This established a precedent of only receiving romance, tenderness, adoration and love when something negative would happen. In order for me to be treated with the intent of love, I must first be deceived, rejected, cheated on and disrespected.
To be a 15 year old girl who already has the abandonment wound from her father, this relationship set me up for a lifetime of continuous unhealthy relationships.
I always wanted to please my boyfriend so that he wouldn’t leave me. I would sneak out of the house to go to parties with him and sneak him into the house for sleepovers. I would smoke and drink so that he wouldn't look bad bringing his young girlfriend out with the cool kids. I would put myself in unsafe situations just so that he wouldn't look at me like an innocent child.
I was an innocent child. I was 15 years old with a boyfriend who didn't give a shit about me or my boundaries. He pressured me on multiple occasions to have sex with him. At this time I was a virgin and the thought of sex was absolutely terrifying. We had been dating a couple of months at this point when I overheard him talking on the phone to a friend, “the bitch wont fuck me” he said while laughing and tucking his left hand into his jean pocket.
He would rest the phone in the nook of his shoulder and push upwards to connect the phone to his ear. He lit his cigarette and continued to nastily divulgue our private intimate details to his friend. I kneeled on his bed while peering out his bedroom window and instantly felt this overwhelming, immense wash of unworthiness weigh down my body.
The feeling of being unwanted and unworthy was too much to bear. I couldn't lose another man in my life. My father left me and so would my boyfriend if I do not comply with his requirements and needs. I couldn't be unlovable again. I couldn't be unwanted again. It was consuming me whole and I just wanted a fucking breath of fresh air. If doing things I was not comfortable with meant I would be worthy, then I would do it because I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to feel fucking loved.
I will skip over the explicit details of my first time because it wasn't special. It was demoralizing, unpleasant and unwanted. I just laid there and tried to use my voice when it hurt but in my mind I heard him say “the bitch won’t fuck me” in my head so I would keep quiet and think of something else. Thankfully it was over fast and I was rewarded with affection which justified my choices and reassured me that I did what I needed to do in order to feel loved.
There was no special moment for me, no passion, no romance. Just obligations. Like a contract. I think this is where the intimacy of sex was ruined for me. I never saw it as something to enjoy or to feel safe while in the heat of it. To me, it was just another requirement of dating a man. My obligation to whomever I was dating. I can honestly and openly say I have never felt safe with a sexual partner until I met my current boyfriend.